Pure Joy

The biggest downfall of my christian walk has always been my lack of TRUE faith.  What I mean by that is I often question or doubt that God can or will really do something.  I often try to rely more on my own strength and not calling on His strength to accomplish things.  I sympathize with the "doubting Thomas" of the bible who said to the disciples, "unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe."  John 21:25b

I get it.  Thomas had to see it to believe it.  He wanted to put his faith in what he could see, in what was tangible.  Now Thomas gets singled out as what not to do but I admire him in a way.  He KNEW his limitation in his christian walk was lack of faith and he was authentic in his search to overcome this limitation.  He knew he didn't wholeheartedly believe but he desired to.  Jesus told him later (John 21:29) "Because you have seen me, you have believed, blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

This is heavily underlined in my bible.  Why?  Because I so desire to be this person.  To have real, deep faith in Jesus without seeing him.  I want to believe and trust Him just because I KNOW He is God and not because I am trying to make myself trust Him.  I want authentic faith. 

Earlier this year I asked Him for an opportunity to grow in my faith in Him.  To trust Him even when I could not see.

I thought it would be easy.......

Which brings me to the verse I have been holding onto this past month (James 1:2-4 emphasis mine)
"Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your FAITH develops perserverance.  Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE, not lacking anything. 

Craig is starting work up in Minnesota in less than a month and we wanted to move up together.  We thought our house would sell quickly and that would be that.  But it has been pretty quiet around here. 

So the question is:  Do I believe God can and will sell our house in His timing.  My immediate response is yes but as I search my heart I find doubts hidden beneath the certain exterior.  This trial has surfaced the "doubting Thomas" in my heart and has shown me that I do not trust God completely.  God knows my heart and He knows this is the area in which I need and desire to grow.  I desire authentic faith, I desire to believe without seeing.  I KNOW he is using this trial to teach me perserverance and to make me mature and complete - not lacking the thing that God KNOWS I lack, the thing that He knows I desire the most and that is true, authentic Faith in Him. 

Growing and learning is not an easy process.  I am not doing it gracefully but I can feel myself doing it.  And that's the point isn't it?  To come out of this trial having perservered and grown in my walk with the Lord.  I have days when I have considered this trial "Pure Joy" as James writes becaue it is causing me to lean on the Lord in a way I never have before.  Only when I trust God with my future can I experience joy that comes from the peace in knowing He is in control.  I look forward to seeing how He is going to sell this home and move us up to MN.  I look forward to seeing how He has the details worked out.  I look forward to telling our children how God provided for us and through it, how my faith became more authentic.