Slow to speak

I recently took a long look at my walk with the Lord.  I felt an urging from Him to do so.  I didn't feel necessarily caught in any sin, I have been having a renewed love to read my bible (praise God:  I asked...He gave on this one), I pray, I have rejoiced at our blessings, I have been praying fervently for many of our friends, etc.    I didn't feel bad about my walk with Him exactly but I asked Him....Lord, what should I be working on...I had a feeling that there was something in my life that I could be doing better.

I feel as if today I caught a little glimpse of what I need to work on.

Now anger has never been high on my list of struggles.  I am not saying that with pride (which by the way is at the top of my struggles list)...just as an observation.  So when I have read James 1:19 in the past in which it reads: "My dear brothers and sisters.  Take note of this:  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry".  I always kind of ran ahead to James 1:20 (yep...pride again).

But today I realized how important this verse should be to me...and that I should not be so flippant when reading these COMMANDS.  Commands to be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.  These very verses jumped out of the page at me today in a very real way....2000 year old verses speaking in a very 2014 way to a 34 year old mom who needed to read them, digest them and try to live them.

I was talking to someone today.  The conversation is not important, however through most of the conversation I felt as if they were not really hearing me and what I had to say about the matter we were discussing.   Almost as if they had something they were going to say/ask and they were just waiting for me to finish and jump in and say what they wanted to say.  And if I am being truly honest....I was doing the exact same thing back to them.  Waiting for them to finish speaking so I could talk about my ideas on the matter at hand.  And I came to realize that it is incredibly hard to be a good listener.   I have never thought about if I was actually a good listener until I became upset when I felt that someone was not listening to me.  It was over the smallest of things and I was upset.  Pit in my stomach, tears in my eyes over something relatively small.  I thought to myself.....feeling like someone is really, truly listening is a big deal even if the matter does not seem huge in their eyes.

My husband came in to me crying and I got it all off my chest.  He sent the kids away so I could talk.  He sat on the bed.  He looked in my eyes.  He did not say a word.  He just listened as I cried and babble on. Then he gave me a hug.

Now Craig struggles somewhat with part of James 1:19.  He can fly off the handle at times.  But he also has the first part down.  He is a great listener.  And after feeling as if I wasn't being heard moments before I can't even begin to describe how amazing it felt to be in the presence of a great listener.  And James 1:19 popped into my head.  I may not get angry very often but I also know I am not quick to listen or slow to speak.  In fact, if I am being completely honest.....I am pretty horrible at this.  I often throw in my "2 cents" (wanted or unwanted) or make assumptions about what I think the person is trying to say before they are done speaking and start formulating my response while they are talking.  Rare are the times when I sit with someone, look them in the eyes, not say a word and just offer a hug as encouragement.

With a new resolve just to listen I sat my two oldest down and asked them "Do you feel that I listen to you".  I almost do not want to write their response but you can probably guess it from my previous information.

My oldest almost immediately replied, "No"  Which I would not have put too much stock in if she hadn't gone on to say, "you often talk over me when I am trying to tell you something or tell you why I want to do something"

Gut reaction....was to start in with all the reasons why I do that.  And I know what she is talking about.  I usually cut in and try to explain why she has to do something or can't do something when she is starting to go down a road of "Not dropping it".  But with a new resolve to simply listen....I did just that.  I sat, I looked in her eyes, I nodded, I tried not to formulate any thoughts.  I tried to just listen.

Then Isaac "sometimes you are busy and you aren't looking at me when I try to tell you something or show you something".

Ouch.  That one hurt too.  So I looked at Andie in the eyes.  (with a few tears in mine I will say) and I apologized for not listening to her as I should.  I asked her to forgive me.  "Of course Mom" followed with a big hug was her response.  Isaac and I shared a similar moment.

In this society where "it's all about me" it is hard to take yourself out of the picture and really listen to someone.  Focused, uninterrupted, listening.  Truly trying to understand what they are feeling, thinking, verbalizing.....even if the matter SEEMS trivial.  I submit that fully listening is one of the greatest gifts of ourselves we can give another to show we really care.  It is thinking of our SELVES LESS and others more. Not only is this a great gift we can give our children but what about our spouse?  I can think of  a few times this past week even when I should have been quick to listen and slow to speak with Craig.

I know I will not always be the listener I desire to be.  I will talk over others, I will be thinking of a response in my head as they are talking at times, I will be distracted at times.  I will need to do things around the house at times and the kids need to just "go play".

But I am sure going to try to the the listener that God asks me to be in James.  I am going to try to quick to listen and slow to speak.  I am going to try to think of my self less and my own agenda less.

 I love these three something fierce.  I praise God daily for making me their mother and I praise Him for all the grace He has with me as I am learning to be the mother He wants me to be.  Here are the ones who will want to talk to me the most (I hope!).....and I need to be ready to be the undistracted, unselfish listening mother I should be.