End of me

No blogging in a while....turns out I cannot form a coherent thought or sentence after 8:00 p.m.  Since I have no more nappers left in the house, the blog has slowed quite a bit.  But today.....I have a napper!!  So to take advantage I am going to blog on something my brain has been mulling over since my oldest turned 8 a week ago:

8 years ago was the end of life as I knew it.  Moms, you know it too.  The day your first child was born.  The complete feeling of love like you have never known before, add in feelings of uncertainty. I mean I had to watch a nurse to know how to change a diaper.  I knew life would never be the same while I sat wondering why they are letting me bring this little thing home and be responsible for keeping it alive.  At home, as the months grew challenging with a crying, colicky baby, I struggled with desires to "get away" or go "do something for myself".  Time and time again I realized that this was my new life now.  I was a mom responsible for a young life.  Time and time again I had to lay down layer upon layer of selfishness that was in me to become mom.  I wasn't a natural fit for the job.  I loved Andie with all that I had but I had only really thought of my own needs for 27 years.  Looking back, I didn't even give Craig's needs the consideration I should have before I had kids.   Becoming a selfless mom took work.  God began to work on my heart  and has slowly stripped layer upon layer of "selfishness" away.    Some layers have come off without my even realizing it while many times I have clung to a layer, thinking I needed it to survive.  God has made me realize that as I give him my time and my energy He will, in turn, give me so much more than I could have imagined.

And 8 years later I see God working something beautiful in my life as He is growing me as a mom continuously.  I'm 8 years older, a little more selfless but still having lots of room to grow.  Layers of me need to be taken off at times.  The past few months have brought its share of parenting challenges with our children.  Now I know I basically have "good kids", and I am told this often.  But moms, we know where our children struggle.  I really think we are able to read their strengths like no other and I also think we are able to see where sin lies in their hearts like no one else can as well.  I have been struggling with my oldest two.  I have noticed that Andie is a leader.  She is very thoughtful and considerate most times.  She wants to be in charge and she wants what she wants, when she wants it.  Particularly when it comes to her brothers. This can be a very positive trait but it can also manifest itself as a sin of selfishness in her heart.   I have struggled with knowing how to shepherd her through it.  Isaac is still one who can become angry quickly and lash out at times.  His self-control is increasing but when he feels an injustice (particularly from a sister who is not considering him) he will lash out and become angry. Most of the time, these two are great friends but for a few weeks they had battling pretty continually and I was getting pretty discouraged.  And with my youngest, I am just in the midst of teaching him SOME self-control.  He is definitely my only and most free-spirited child.  I was starting to feel discouraged in parenting, a little worn out, not sure how to keep fighting this good fight in the hearts of my children. I had reached the end of me.  Reached the end of my resources, my energy, my patience, ME.  And God showed me something.  When I felt I had come to the end of ME I started to pray to Him.  And I am not talking about the prayers that I usually said at bedtime or when sweeping the floor or folding laundry.  Not even the prayers I whispered as I was getting ready to open my bible and read His word.  I was done and I started to pray FERVENTLY for Him to help me parent my children.  On my knees, on the couch, lying in bed.  Being still and quiet before Him and recognizing I could not do this on my own.  I started to actually seek His will instead of just tell Him mine.

And He showed up.  I went to my bible study a few days later and grabbed a sheet that said "The Impact of Words in Your Child's life".  I have never grabbed one of these sheets before and they have been on the table every week.  I read it and it was so encouraging.  On the back it gave practical ideas to breathe life and the Word of God into your child's life.  One point said, "Search out and memorize a blessing from scripture to offer your child.  Regularly lay your hands on his head and repeat the words with sincerity and love."

So I thought, I can do this.  I found the following:

Andie:  1 Thessalonians 5:15-18 "Make sure nobody pays back wrong for wrong but always try to do what is good for each other and everyone else.  Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I chose this verse for Andie because while I see her rejoicing, praying and giving thanks and being a good little light for Christ I often think it is imperative for her to remember to think of others and not just her own agenda.

Isaac:  Hebrews 12:1-2a "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus."

I have always loved this verse and it just reminds me of Isaac, the one that definitely perseveres.  He often can let sin entangle him.  What a great reminder for him (and me) to throw that sin off and keep our eyes on Jesus.

Caleb:  2 Peter 3:18 "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.  To Him be the glory both now and forever."

I found a verse for Caleb that is my prayer that he will come to know more and more about Jesus.

And the fruit from this has already started growing.  Andie recently had her 8th birthday.  I braced myself when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, knowing it might get a little extravagent and a few "I wants" in there.  She replied "Please make your enchaladas then I want to have a movie night with the family and have the boys sleep over in my room so they can be part of the fun too".  I completely would have missed this small victory if I hadn't been praying for it every day.  Yes Lord, you are working on her heart.

Isaac has embraced his verse with his usual vigor, loving that it talks about throwing and running and racing.  I have noticed once or twice I have only had to say a few words about "throwing off that sin" and it calms him down and he has less lashing out.

And Caleb, he told me the other day that he wants Jesus in his heart for always.  This is my prayer for all my kids.  As a mom, I know I mess up but I also see how God has been growing me to remember that I don't have to get to the end of me to use Him in my parenting.  He wants to have victory in their hearts too.