Times they are a-changing

We have a cat.  Craig bought her for me when we were living in Kansas City and engaged.  It always reminds me how much Craig loves me because he is not a cat person at all. But I was living all alone in my apartment and Craig thought I could use a friend.  And he did this all the while knowing it would also be his cat in a year. 

Enter my almost 17 month old, Caleb is easily my most talkative child which was not what I was expecting.  I assumed, since he was the third child and a boy that he would be quiet.  Yes, I just stereotyped him but that was what I expected.  He is not quiet.  He babbles a lot but he also has the best vocabulary of any of our kids at this age.  He talks and says a lot of words.  Now, he calls our cat "meow" which is just the cutest thing I can think of.  Whenever he says it he gets this big goofy grin on his face and sees me smiling and laughing and then says it again and again and again.  So stinkin' cute. Last week he did this and I didn't smile or laugh, in fact I became very sad. Very, unexplainably sad.  And I couldn't put my finger on the cause of it.  It was a simple exchange from a cute 17-month old boy that usually brings joy to me.  Why so sad Sarah?  I couldn't explain it at the time.  (I mean - there were tears) and now I have started to realize what made me so sad.  Caleb is picking up words so fast that I KNOW he will be calling our cat "kitty" very, very soon, never to call her "meow" again.  Now, ordinarily I celebrate my children's milestones....especially when they are advancing their vocabularily but this one has made me stop and pause. 

Realistically, Caleb is our last child.  He is our last baby.  Now, I KNOW that the Lord may have other plans that we do not realize right now.  We may have another baby, we may have adoption be put on our hearts, we may foster, etc but right now, in the Sanderson household....it is looking like Caleb could be our last child.  That is what is making me sad.  It is "the end of an era".  The "we are out of nursing, diapers, middle of the night feedings, sleeping on mom, learning to sit, crawl, walk" kind of stuff" and I am scared to move on.  I have been in this phase of life for the last 6 years and I finally feel like I "get it" and now we are out of it.   

When our oldest was born I treated motherhood much like I had treated my career up to this point.  Everything was scheduled, had a solution, and I was extremely selfish.  Having Andie really trained me to be a mom.  Oh...how I wish I could go back sometimes and be a different mom to baby Andie now that I know more, now that I know how fleeting that time is, now that I have a different perspective.  So, I've used that perspective with Isaac and even more so with Caleb.  I've enjoyed them more as babies.  I've let them be babies.  I know that nursing won't last forever so I didn't force it to end.  I know that they won't sleep on me forever so I didn't force them to lay down. 

So all of this has caused me to look at my mothering now.  How do you have perspective mothering a 6 year old when you have never mothered a six year old before.  I have been "clinging" to this era recently, not wanting my kids to grow up and at the same time the saying has been running through my head "God cannot give you something new until you let go of what you are holding onto".  I want to hold onto these years.  I am frankly scared to move on.  This is who I have been for 6 years....I've either had a baby or going to have one....this is the first time in 6 years this is not the case.

But God, in all His infinite love and grace, shows me sneak peaks at the future.  My favorite hobby is reading.  I love it.  I enjoy reading to the kids but easily tire of "Goodnight moon" and the like.  Well, Andie, Isaac and I started reading the Chronicles of Narnia this weekend.  Argueably one of my all-time favorite series as a child (along with Little House on the Prairie).  And in the middle of reading I felt a glimpse of how parenting children, teenagers, etc will also be amazing and filled with love and even some snuggling (except not necesarily on me but next to me, under a blanket).  They can't get enough of this book and I love it!! Caleb, on the other hand, wants nothing to do with a book without color and pictures. 

So I will smile and laugh when Caleb says "meow" and celebrate when he one day calls her "kitty" (probably while holding back a few tears)  BUT I DO get to look forward to reading him all about a magical world named "Narnia" that can be found just through the wardrobe door.